Hello, friends. My name's Derrick and I'm fucking stupid.
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  • friend: says something that vaguely references song lyric
  • me: PERFORMS ENTIRE SONG

breakingbreakfast:

Goodnight, sweet prince.

unsuccessfulmetalbenders:

i know that i’m beautiful because my mother would not have kept an ugly child she has standards

shouldnt:

My friend took Viagra thinking it was vyvanse to help him study, I guess you can say he’s studying hard.

smalldonghaver:

faygo-fuckyourself:

pSA DONT FUCK WITH OUIJA BOARDS

DONT PLAY ONE MAN HIDE AND SEEK

DONT PLAY SHADOW MAN

DONT FUCK WITH ANYTHING THAT INVITES SPIRITS INTO YOUR HOME

lol sike catch me playing 2k14 with George Washington and Cleopatra while u afraid to touch some wood

  • Me when I'm in a relationship: ugh I hate boys.
  • Me when I'm single: ugh I love boys.
not my fat ass
me while evaluating a very small space my thin friends somehow expect me to occupy (via fatphrodite) ←

beautiful-bibliophile:

littlelotte-xo:

curlicuecal:

Games with English: insert the word “only” anywhere into the above sentence and consider how the placement changes meaning.

plasmalogical:

there’s no part of this i don’t love

scrlett:

no offense but my favorite hobby is staying hydrated and beautiful 

poyzn:

Animals that are __________ awesome.

  • So this morning after I woke up I went to go to the bathroom, well walking into the bathroom I saw myself In the mirror and I didn't realize it was me at first and I got like butterflies because I thought this person was really attractive and I guess that's what liking your own image and having confidence feels like but yeah.
  • I hope one day someone will see me the way I saw myself for that split second.

surprisebitch:

*calls 911*

911: hello, 911, what is your emergency?

me: help!! i lost my virginity!!

911: um im sorry.. but.. i dont think..

me: no, i lost my pet, “virginity” its name is virginity !

911: ohhh! xD

me: xD

comfortspringstation:

Kitten rejected by mother and raised by golden retriever